The down-side of hyper-independence

I know some women will be screaming at their screens in anger right now, shouting about how hard we fought for independence as a gender etc etc. I’m not here to undo feminism, but there are a few home truths we need to accept about being hyper-independent before we can really and truly appreciate the freedom.

At this point, it’s important to note that I myself, am a fiercely independent woman. I have battled hard over the last eleven years to become my own person; master my own life; and take back the power that was stolen from me (I’ll circle back to this point). I set out to stand on my own two feet and swore that I would never allow anyone to control me again. So, needless to say, I know how much it means to be the queen of your own domain, and in no way do I intend to belittle such achievements. I’m just here to share what I have learned (the hard way) over the last decade of being a single mum, running a business, and doing everything on my own.

You see, the thing that nobody mentions when they spew forth their neo-feminist propaganda, is that Fierce Independence is a trauma response. And quite frankly ladies, it doesn’t get us anywhere. Well, besides a first-class ticket to stress town.

People who have experienced traumatic events often develop a sense of self-reliance and a desire to avoid dependence on others as a way of protecting themselves from further harm. This can result in a self-sabotage pattern where they refuse help from others; push others away; and avoid intimate relationships. It’s a defence mechanism that the brain creates to avoid feeling vulnerable or exposed to potential harm.

Unfortunately, it can also lead to social isolation and difficulties in forming healthy relationships. Both of which are detrimental to building a successful business.

This is where I put my hand up and say, ‘guilty as charged’. This was me, through and through. I lived in this constant state of hyper-independence, to my own detriment, for over a decade. Which also happened to be the same decade in which I was trying to build a business. Way to make life hard for myself huh?

I’ll bypass the gory details, but the long and short of it is that a lifetime of being manipulated and controlled, led me into several abusive relationships, the last of which was a volatile domestic violence situation.*

So, yeah, there was a bit of trauma there and, as a result, I flipped into warrior woman mode and vowed never to be a victim again, all the while thinking I was just being a strong, independent woman. I was flying the flag for women everywhere to show that we don’t need a man – or anyone - to make it in this world. I never asked for help unless I was in dire need – and even then, not always – because I thought it was a sign of weakness.

All I can say now, is that way of thinking couldn’t be further from the truth. Identifying things you’re struggling with, and asking for help is one of the smartest (and bravest) things that anyone can do.

So, let’s bring this back to a business context. Navigating fierce independence when you’re running a business can be challenging, but it can also be an asset if managed effectively. Here are some tips to consider:

1. Recognize the value of collaboration: Fiercely independent individuals may struggle with teamwork and collaboration, but it's important to recognize the value of working with others. Encourage open communication, delegate tasks and responsibilities, and foster a supportive work environment where everyone's contributions are valued.

2. Embrace delegation: As a business owner or leader, you may feel the need to take on everything yourself, but delegation is an important aspect of successful leadership. Delegating tasks to others can free up time and allow you to focus on your strengths.

3. Encourage balance: Fierce independence can lead to burnout, so it's important to encourage a healthy work-life balance for yourself and your team. Encourage breaks, limit work hours, and promote self-care practices.

4. Seek support: Running a business can be a lonely and challenging journey, but it's important to reach out for support when needed. Surround yourself with a supportive network of family, friends, and colleagues who can provide encouragement, advice, and help when needed.

5. Learn to accept help: Fiercely independent individuals may find it difficult to accept help but learning to do so can lead to growth and success. Accept help from others, whether it's advice, support, or practical assistance, and be open to feedback and suggestions.

So, if you’re like I was (perhaps still am a little), and vehemently independent, just take a step back and assess what’s causing it, then use it to your advantage. You can still be a warrior woman, but perhaps you just need to put down the sword and shield once in a while. Trust that it’s safe to rely on others. Lean on people. Let them help. Remember that life is better when you’re part of a community. You don’t have to do everything alone.

* If you're in a similar situation, then asking for help is crucial. Please don't 'grin and bear it' or make excuses for their behaviour. You need to get out and you will probably need help to do that. Pat Giles Centre in Joondalup are amazing but you can also call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

Getting out is hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. A lot of light. Once you're out of the dark you'll be amazed at the life that awaits you. I turned my experience story into a book series! They come with a heavy trigger warning, but jump on over to njewing.com if you'd like to read more about my journey and see how I turned my negative into a positive.